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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28693098">untitled</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluteandguqin/pseuds/fluteandguqin'>fluteandguqin</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Superstar, Before and After [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Big Bang (Band), Block B (Band), Winner (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Domestic Fluff, Drug Abuse, Drug Addiction, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Friendship, Light Angst, M/M, Recovery</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 07:53:54</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>14,358</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28693098</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/fluteandguqin/pseuds/fluteandguqin</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Three years ago, Jiyong was in a hospital bed, leaving his friends to wonder whether he would awake.<br/>Two years ago, Jiyong was in a club, drinking his sorrows and stress away. Thinking he would never be an artist again. <br/>A year ago, things were already so different.<br/>And now?</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Choi Seunghyun | T.O.P./Kang Daesung, Dong Youngbae | Taeyang/Min Hyo Rin, Kwon Jiyong | G-Dragon/Song Minho | Mino, Pyo Jihoon | P.O/Woo Jiho | Zico</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Superstar, Before and After [3]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1851289</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Prologue</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>the sequel is finally here!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Three years ago, Jiyong was in a hospital bed, leaving his friends to wonder whether he would awake.</p>
<p>Two years ago, Jiyong was in a club, drinking his sorrows and stress away. Thinking he would never be an artist again.</p>
<p>A year ago, things were already so different.</p>
<p>And now?</p>
<p>Now, Jiyong is in his kitchen, making dinner for himself and his boyfriend. Now, he has been clean for a year.</p>
<p>Minho walks in, rubbing sleep from his eyes. They had a nap date, Jiyong happened to wake up before him.</p>
<p>“You didn’t have to do all that,” Minho said, wrapping his arms around Jiyong’s waist.</p>
<p>“I didn’t? I suppose I love spoiling you.”</p>
<p>Minho smiles.</p>
<p>As a perfectionist, Jiyong tends to focus on the fact that things will never be perfect. That there’s always so much more work to be done. But right now? Things are as perfect as they can possibly get.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. I</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It’s all too familiar; the shortness of breath, the panic, the buzzing in his ears, the flashing images.</p>
<p>But this time when Jiyong tries to take a deep breath and calm down like he has many times before, there is no air left in the room. He gasps and chokes and unhelpfully clasps a hand over his mouth. Not waking up Minho is a priority right now, rather than his breathing.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It’s all too familiar; the shortness of breath, the panic, the buzzing in his ears, the flashing images.</p>
<p>But this time when Jiyong tries to take a deep breath and calm down like he has many times before, there is no air left in the room. He gasps and chokes and unhelpfully clasps a hand over his mouth. Not waking up Minho is a priority right now, rather than his breathing.</p>
<p>Jiyong stumbles out of bed and towards the bathroom. There, he curls up on the floor and presses his forehead to the tile wall, hoping for the coolness of it to help him snap out of the panic attack. But it doesn’t and Jiyong continues to choke, biting down on his fist in attempts to muffle the noises.</p>
<p>Much to Jiyong’s dread, the bathroom door in fact does open. Minho does call his name and he does fall to his knees beside him.</p>
<p>“I’m fine,” Jiyong attempts to choke out, but Minho only shushes him. He takes Jiyong by the shoulders and helps him up, sitting him down on the toilet lid. Minho gently pushes Jiyong’s head between his knees and begins to count for him.</p>
<p>At first Jiyong isn’t able to focus on it. He didn’t have to do this for a while now, it’s difficult to remember what to do. Eventually though, Minho’s voice reaches him and Jiyong begins making an attempt to breathe along with his counting.</p>
<p>And as soon as Jiyong can speak again, he rests his elbows on his knees, buries his face in his hands and begins apologizing.</p>
<p>“Hey, hey, hey.” Kneeling before him, Minho takes Jiyong’s wrists and carefully pulls his hands away from his face. “No apologies. Are you okay?”</p>
<p>Taking another deep breath, Jiyong manages to stop his rambling on his boyfriend’s request and instead focus on the question that he has been asked. “I’m fine, I am. I just didn’t want to wake you up…”</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Minho says. “I’m glad I could help.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods, sitting still until Minho suggests they go back to bed. Even though Jiyong knows he won’t be able to go back to sleep, like he never is when he has night terrors, he lets himself be led by the hand back to the bedroom simply because he wants Minho to get more rest.</p>
<p>He lies beside him, head on Minho’s chest, waiting for his breathing to even out. Once it does, Jiyong very carefully and slowly sneaks out of bed and down the stairs. He heads straight to the kitchen to sit on the floor and eat ice cream.</p>
<p>All is calm. The lights of Seoul flicker in the distance and Jiyong observes the lovely view from under the dining table. All is quiet. The only noise is the buzzing of the refrigerator.</p>
<p>And then, footsteps. Jiyong sighs, shoulders dropping.</p>
<p>The light comes on with a click. Jiyong closes his eyes, unprepared for the sensation.</p>
<p>“You didn’t go back to sleep,” Minho remarks.</p>
<p>Sighing once again, Jiyong crawls out from under the table and places the tub of ice cream on it.</p>
<p>“Yeah… I told you, I can’t. The very least, I need to fuck around a bit before I can fall asleep again.”</p>
<p>Minho needs to think about it before he lightly smacks his forehead and says, “Oh yeah, you did, when I first started coming here…”</p>
<p>“It’s okay, love,” Jiyong says, smiling faintly. “I just didn’t want to disturb you. You have classes tomorrow.”</p>
<p>“I don’t mind staying up with you,” Minho insists.</p>
<p>Jiyong presses his lips together, crossing his arms. “Listen, Minho… Clearly this kind of stuff is going to happen. It didn’t for a while, but it’s happening again and… Well, you can’t stay up with me every single time it happens. You often have to get up early and you need to sleep.”</p>
<p>Minho is silent. He is debating. The corners of his mouth are tugged downward, brows furrowed. In the end he looks up with the same expression, but now with a sad, or rather apologetic look in his eyes. “Are you… Will you be okay? I don’t want to leave you…”</p>
<p>Jiyong shakes his head. “I’ve been dealing with this alone for a very long time. You’re here now, and… I’m sorry if this sounds harsh but I won’t always need your help, like you won’t always need mine. Besides, what I’m much more concerned about is you not sacrificing your health for mine. Okay?”</p>
<p>Minho nods, rubbing his elbow and looking at the ground. Jiyong approaches and tips his chin up.</p>
<p>“Did I say something wrong?”</p>
<p>Minho shakes his head. “No, it just… sucks knowing that I can’t always be there for you.”</p>
<p>“But you are,” Jiyong says. “Just, not always physically. Sometimes the best thing you can do for me is to take care of yourself.”</p>
<p>Minho nods. He shrinks, wrapping his arms around Jiyong’s waist and burying his face in the crook of Jiyong’s neck. Jiyong holds him, lets him get all the comfort he needs.</p>
<p>He quickly realizes, though, that Jiyong himself needs the comfort as well.</p>
<p>Eventually, Jiyong goes back to bed with Minho on his insistence and even ends up falling asleep.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. II</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p><i>“Hey babe! My classes are over. I’m just calling to check up on you.”</i> His voice is chirpy and cheerful, Jiyong can’t help but think that it’s at least partly fake. He knows that neither of them is really at their best these days. Minho is probably sucking it up for Jiyong’s sake.</p>
<p>“I’m doing fine,” Jiyong says but his raspy and tired voice gives him away.</p>
<p>
  <i>“You sure…? You sound…”</i>
</p>
<p>“Tired,” Jiyong completes Minho’s sentence. “I’m just tired.”</p>
<p>
  <i>“...Which is Jiyong talk for something’s wrong.”</i>
</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>apologies for my absence. these few weeks were very difficult. two chapters today to make up for it.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>His phone is what wakes Jiyong up from his fifth nap that day. It’s Minho.</p>
<p><em>“Hey babe! My classes are over. I’m just calling to check up on you.” </em>His voice is chirpy and cheerful, Jiyong can’t help but think that it’s at least partly fake. He knows that neither of them is really at their best these days. Minho is probably sucking it up for Jiyong’s sake.</p>
<p>“I’m doing fine,” Jiyong says but his raspy and tired voice gives him away.</p>
<p>
  <em>“You sure…? You sound…”</em>
</p>
<p>“Tired,” Jiyong completes Minho’s sentence. “I’m just tired.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“...Which is Jiyong talk for something’s wrong.”</em>
</p>
<p>Jiyong presses his face into the pillow. It is at times like this that Minho knowing Jiyong so well doesn’t come in handy. “Minho, Minho… I’m fine! I promise—”</p>
<p><em>“Please don’t lie to me,” </em>Minho says softly.</p>
<p>When Jiyong doesn’t respond, Minho continues,</p>
<p>
  <em>“What do you need right now, Yongie?”</em>
</p>
<p>Jiyong takes some time to think about it, but his mind comes out blank. “I don’t know,” he whispers. A cigarette. A drink. All the bad things that he’s trying to leave behind. It’s the only thing his mind goes to when he thinks of coping.</p>
<p>He should think of something better, he knows that. The problem is, he can’t think.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hm… Let’s think about this. Do you need company or space? Think about it.”</em>
</p>
<p>Jiyong decides to put in the effort. He sighs and in the end says, “I suppose I wouldn’t mind some company. I don’t know...”</p>
<p>
  <em>“I can come over if you want. I would like to take care of you, to the best of my abilities, if you let me…”</em>
</p>
<p>Through the misery that has overcome him, Jiyong manages to smile with the realization that there’s someone out there who is willing to do this for him. Someone cares.</p>
<p>Then he stops to think about it, and remembers that there are quite a few people who care. And he’s grateful.</p>
<p>It’s a little bit easier to breathe.</p>
<p>“Of course, Min, I would love that. Thank you so much.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Great! I’ll be right there… Hang in there, Yongie. You’ll be okay.”</em>
</p>
<p>“Right now I don’t quite feel like I will be,” Jiyong says, “but I do believe you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In fact, Minho’s coming over serves as a good motivation for Jiyong to finally roll out of bed and take a shower. He knows that Minho wouldn’t mind either way, he is coming to help out after all, but Jiyong simply cannot allow himself to be such a mess.</p>
<p>But even as he showers and gets into fresh clothes, Jiyong returns to his bed. He should probably change the sheets… But he’s too tired for that. The simple acts of showering and changing his clothes have drained him entirely.</p>
<p>It’s another nap until the doorbell rings. Getting out of bed again takes quite a lot of effort, but he manages.</p>
<p>When he opens the door, he lets Minho hug him tightly.</p>
<p>“How are you doing, love?” Minho asks upon pulling away, gently cupping Jiyong’s cheeks.</p>
<p>“A bit rough… But I’ll be okay,” Jiyong says. Minho squishes his cheeks a little. This makes Jiyong smile, as much as he can while his face is being smushed.</p>
<p>Minho leans in and kisses his nose. Then he lets go, gets in all the way and at last closes the door. He takes his shoes off and goes to wash his hands. Meanwhile Jiyong drops to the couch.</p>
<p>When Minho emerges he walks over and crouches by the couch. His fingertips brush Jiyong’s cheek.</p>
<p>“Have you eaten?” Minho asks.</p>
<p>Jiyong opens his eyes. “Have you?”</p>
<p>Minho presses his lips together and tilts his head. “Don’t bounce it back, just answer.”</p>
<p>“How about you answer,” Jiyong taunts.</p>
<p>Minho strokes Jiyong’s hair, not speaking. “I have. Before I left this morning. And I had a snack at uni. Now you answer.”</p>
<p>Jiyong slowly shakes his head. Minho leans in and kisses his forehead. “Not to worry. Let’s make something, hm? What would you like?”</p>
<p>Jiyong sits up a little and wraps his arms around Minho’s neck, clinging to him. “...Bibimbap.”</p>
<p>“Then let’s make it,” Minho says. “Together. Can you get up?”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. “It’s just that—it would mean letting go.”</p>
<p>Minho chuckles. He kisses Jiyong’s cheek and hugs him tighter. “We’ll cuddle later, I promise. Food first.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. He still doesn’t let go. He presses kisses down Minho’s neck, light and soft. Minho sighs. Jiyong lets go, sadly, and forces himself to get up. Thankfully, he has Minho’s help.</p>
<p>In the kitchen he does his best to make himself useful. He hates the idea of just sitting around while Minho does all the work. However it appears that that’s exactly what Minho wants him to do as he makes a point to take on every significant task.</p>
<p>“I have to practice cooking for myself, remember?” He reminds, giving a soft smile.</p>
<p>“So do I!” Jiyong complains, but Minho isn’t to be swayed.</p>
<p>And what is Jiyong to do now, but be a clingy boyfriend? While Minho stands by the stove, Jiyong hugs him from behind, resting his head on Minho’s shoulder blade.</p>
<p>“There,” he says as a child would after winning an argument.</p>
<p>But Minho only says, “I don’t mind.” He takes Jiyong’s hand and brings it to his lips, giving it a tiny kiss, before letting go.</p>
<p>Jiyong sighs. “Why are you perfect?”</p>
<p>Judging by how Minho shrinks, Jiyong can guess that he’s blushing. “I am not.”</p>
<p>“I won’t fight you on this.”</p>
<p>“Fine,” Minho says and Jiyong can hear the smile in his voice.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>They eat on the couch while watching a movie, going against the advice of both their dieticians. They simply agree that it’s more comfy that way.</p>
<p>Having finished eating, Jiyong invited Minho to lay his head in his lap.</p>
<p>Jiyong bends down and kisses his cheek, then sits back up.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Jiyong says.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Minho replies. His cheeks are red, a smile plays on his lips.</p>
<p>“You’ve taken care of me today.”</p>
<p>“Bold of you to assume I’m done taking care of you,” Minho cuts in.</p>
<p>Jiyong smiles faintly. “I just meant… Well, how have you been? I don’t want all the attention on myself.”</p>
<p>“I’ve been doing just fine,” Minho says as sincerely as he possibly can.</p>
<p>“You asked me today not to lie to you,” Jiyong says, gently stroking Minho’s hair. “I would like to ask the same.”</p>
<p>Minho averts his gaze. “...Will you feel guilty if I tell you?”</p>
<p>“I—”</p>
<p>“You’ll feel bad that I took care of you, I know you will.” He looks back up at Jiyong. “Can you promise me that you won’t beat yourself up, if I tell you?”</p>
<p>Jiyong swallows. “I can—promise to do my best.”</p>
<p>Minho nods slowly. He sighs. “It… Hasn’t been that well. I mean—I’m <em>okay</em>, but—it’s tough, you know?”</p>
<p>Although Minho’s sentence was patchy and he was clearly having a hard time verbalizing his thoughts, Jiyong thinks he understands. He nods. “You can tell me. Take your time.”</p>
<p>Minho closes his eyes. “I’m mostly functional, which is good—I guess? But every now and again I’ll stop and just… feel like absolute <em>shit</em>. Anything can trigger it. I’ll be eating breakfast and I’ll remember all the calories in it and suddenly I’ll want to vomit. I’ll catch a glimpse of myself in a reflective surface and I’ll break down. And it’s—so difficult to pull myself out of those moments and keep going.” He goes silent.</p>
<p>Jiyong gives him a moment to process his own words.</p>
<p>Minho opens his eyes again. “Sometimes it feels like just giving in is easier. That it’s not worth fighting.”</p>
<p>“I know,” Jiyong says. “Have you told your therapist about these moments yet?”</p>
<p>Minho shakes his head.</p>
<p>“She might have some advice for you. All I can tell you is that… When it happens, try to turn mechanic. Do everything mechanically, just because you know it has to be done. Try to be numb to it. Don’t—think. Don’t think about whether it’s for the better or not. Just do it.”</p>
<p>“That’s usually what I do when I eat,” Minho says. “I don’t feel anything good when I do it, I’m not proud of myself, I just do it because I know I have to.” He sighs. He takes Jiyong by the wrist and puts his hand on his own cheek. “Don’t think… I’ve got anxiety, Yong, thinking is all I do.”</p>
<p>Jiyong gives a half-hearted laugh. “I know… But isn’t that another thing you’re working on?”</p>
<p>Minho nods. “I’ll talk to my therapist.”</p>
<p>A pause. Jiyong’s eyes go out of focus. “I’m sorry I’m not there for you as much as you need it.”</p>
<p>Jiyong’s eyes refocus when he sees Minho pouting up at him. “Hey, you said you would try not to beat yourself up.”</p>
<p>“I’m trying,” Jiyong whispers.</p>
<p>Minho sits up. He cups Jiyong’s cheeks. “You’re not feeling well right now, so I understand why you would feel that, and say that. But listen to me. You said it yourself, we can’t always be there for each other.” He goes quiet and looks down. “I’m sorry if this sounds harsh, but sometimes… I don’t think anyone can help me, but time.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. “No, I understand.”</p>
<p>Minho looks back up at him. “So you won’t beat yourself up?”</p>
<p>Jiyong takes a second to respond. Then he nods. “I’ll do my very best.”</p>
<p>Minho smiles. “We’ll be okay. We’re both taking it easy.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. He leans in and presses his lips to Minho’s.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. III</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Noises reach him from downstairs. Heavy footsteps in the hallway. Minho must be home.</p>
<p>Jiyong slowly drags himself out of bed and down the stairs. He knows these footsteps. The stumbling, the lack of coordination.</p>
<p>Jiyong finds Minho sitting at the last step of the staircase.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jiyong is back in a hotel room at the end of the world, paralyzed and sweaty, lying on the ground. He’s nauseous and desperate, just trying to reach for the line of white powder that only keeps getting away. Blackness overwhelms him and he cries out in pain. Everything hurts. His entire body is screaming. He can’t move.</p>
<p>He opens his eyes.</p>
<p>As he wakes, the feeling of being paralyzed remains. For a crazed second Jiyong is terrified, but then he sits up and sighs in relief.</p>
<p>He’s okay. Shaken up and sweaty but okay.</p>
<p>Noises reach him from downstairs. Heavy footsteps in the hallway. Minho must be home.</p>
<p>Jiyong slowly drags himself out of bed and down the stairs. He knows these footsteps. The stumbling, the lack of coordination.</p>
<p>Jiyong finds Minho sitting at the last step of the staircase.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Jiyong announces his presence as to not startle Minho since he is approaching from behind.</p>
<p>“Hey,” Minho responds flatly.</p>
<p>Jiyong sits on the step beside him. “What are you doing here?”</p>
<p>“I was just thinking,” quietly. Minho doesn’t elaborate.</p>
<p>Jiyong frowns at his empty stare. Since Minho isn’t saying anything, Jiyong tries, “Did you have fun?”</p>
<p>Minho nods.</p>
<p>Jiyong reaches out and rests a hand on his shoulder. “Minho, what’s wrong?”</p>
<p>“I was just thinking,” Minho repeats. He stands up, brushing Jiyong off in the process.</p>
<p>He goes over to the liquor cabinet. Jiyong jumps to his feet. In mere seconds he’s standing by Minho with his hand around the younger’s wrist.</p>
<p>“Maybe you’ve had enough.” Jiyong says.</p>
<p>Minho shakes his head. “I just want to…” He trails off, running his free hand through his hair.</p>
<p>Jiyong carefully takes the bottle from his hand and places it down on the coffee table, then gently tugs Minho towards the couch.</p>
<p>“Why don’t you tell me what you’ve been thinking about?”</p>
<p>They sit. Minho stares ahead with the same empty eyes that make Jiyong uneasy.</p>
<p>“Recovery is so pointless,” Minho says at last.</p>
<p>Jiyong frowns.</p>
<p>“I was so much happier when I was thinner.” A pause. “This is bullshit.” And then louder, “This is <em>bullshit</em>.”</p>
<p>Jiyong didn’t sign up to be anyone’s babysitter or therapist when he started dating Minho. Yet here he is, because he can’t let Minho spiral without trying to anchor him. Because he loves him, Jiyong will do his best.</p>
<p>“You’re only saying that because you’re drunk. You’re overthinking things again.”</p>
<p>“Maybe, but I’m <em>right</em>,” Minho says.</p>
<p>“No you aren’t. Minho,” Jiyong speaks quietly. “You know very well that you weren’t happy. Just remember all the bad times. Remember how much you were hurting. It wasn’t worth it.”</p>
<p>Minho opens his mouth to say something. His eyes glisten in the faint light of the city outside. “I miss it,” he whispers. “I know you miss it too.”</p>
<p>Jiyong balls his fists and counts to ten. When he speaks next, his voice is calm, “I do, sometimes. It’s normal to miss it. Sometimes it seems like it’s easier just to give in. But it’s not <em>right</em>. And it won’t make us happy. Minho, you know as well as I do that you weren’t happy. I wasn’t either. We were wrecks, both of us. That’s why we’re working on it, so we can be better. We <em>can </em>be better, Minho.”</p>
<p>He doesn’t say anything. Only stares ahead. Minho tests the waters by touching Minho’s arm. When he doesn’t protest, Jiyong slowly wraps an arm around Minho’s waist. He still says nothing.</p>
<p>“These are just moments,” Jiyong whispers. “Little moments of doubt, that’s all. You’re on the right path and deep down you know that. You just need to remember it.”</p>
<p>Minho turns his head to the side, his and Jiyong’s foreheads touching. “I want to get better. For you, for Pyo, for all my friends who worry so much.” Minho pauses. Beady, glistening tears roll down his cheeks. “Sometimes, that’s not enough. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”</p>
<p>Jiyong shifts, moves his arm from around Minho’s waist in order to cup his cheeks. “It’s fine. I understand, I do. In time… You’ll want to get better for <em>yourself</em>. I’m quite self centred, so it was easier for me.”</p>
<p>Jiyong is happy that his stupid joke managed to make Minho smile, even so faintly.</p>
<p>“But for you, who always thinks of himself last… It might take some time. Give yourself some time. And just keep going. Don’t <em>think</em>, just keep going.”</p>
<p>Minho nods a few times, gaze cast downward.</p>
<p>“...I’m sorry. I’m being stupid, I’m—you don’t need to hear all of this—”</p>
<p>Jiyong wipes Minho’s tears and pecks his lips. “It’s okay. Don’t apologize. If I can help, I will.”</p>
<p>Minho doesn’t look at him. Jiyong kisses him again.</p>
<p>“Let’s go to bed,” Jiyong suggests, taking both of Minho’s hands. Minho complies, letting himself be taken upstairs.</p>
<p>Once they’re in bed, once Jiyong is able to cling to Minho as he sleeps, he is blessed with a dreamless night.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The morning after Jiyong is in the kitchen, sitting with his cup of coffee. He doesn’t hear any footsteps and yet Minho appears in the doorway, rubbing his eyes sleepily. The shirt he sleeps in hangs off his shoulder as well as his lumpy sweater. He sits near Jiyong, leaving one seat empty in-between them.</p>
<p>Jiyong’s chest tightens. Is Minho punishing Jiyong or himself?</p>
<p>“I’m sorry about yesterday,” Minho whispers. So, himself.</p>
<p>“It’s okay,” Jiyong says gently.</p>
<p>Silence. The coffee turns to ash in Jiyong’s mouth.</p>
<p>“I know what you want me to say. I know you want me to say that I didn’t mean any of it. But…”</p>
<p>“I know,” Jiyong says. “I understand, Minho, I do.”</p>
<p>Minho shakes his head. “You don’t. I felt so much better when I was thin. I—”</p>
<p>“You still are,” Jiyong reminds and Minho goes silent. “And did you? Did you really feel any better?”</p>
<p>“It’s not the same as with you,” Minho whispers.</p>
<p>“It’s pretty damn similar. It’s 99% percent pain and 1% a good feeling. Not even happiness.” Jiyong moves to the seat that Minho intentionally left empty, now bridging the gap between them. “Listen… I’ll never have your experience. I’ll never be able to fully understand. But I know how this <em>goes. </em>While you’re recovering it seems that it was much easier before. But it wasn’t, it wasn’t even that. I’ve been there, Minho, I’ve recovered and went back to my old ways. It wasn’t easier. It was hell. Only you know how much you’ve suffered. How can you say that it was good?”</p>
<p>Minho doesn’t say anything. He only sniffles.</p>
<p>“You know what the only right choice is.”</p>
<p>“I’m not sure I know anymore.”</p>
<p>Jiyong shakes his head. “You do. The way you are feeling now is only temporary.”</p>
<p>Minho’s silence is hardly a good sign.</p>
<p>“Talk to your therapist about it,” Jiyong says. He’s been saying it a lot lately. He simply can’t give Minho any better advice and it’s <em>killing </em>him. The best he can do is relate Minho’s to his own experience and try to encourage him. “There are exercises for this.”</p>
<p>Minho nods. “Sure,” dryly.</p>
<p>Jiyong carefully reaches out. Minho immediately leans in and lets himself be embraced.</p>
<p>“You gotta keep going, Min,” Jiyong whispers. “Every time you choose to keep fighting, you’ve already won.”</p>
<p>Minho only nods, sniffling once again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. IV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>The air is warm but Jiyong is freezing. He’s shivering, sitting on the pavement and staring ahead. He’s listening to Minho’s drunken singing, his blood freezing in his veins.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Once again I must apologize for the lack of updates. Life hasn't been good and I've been struggling to do the most basic of daily tasks. I hope you guys will like these updates, and I will do my very best to continue at a regular schedule.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The air is warm but Jiyong is freezing. He’s shivering, sitting on the pavement and staring ahead. He’s listening to Minho’s drunken singing, his blood freezing in his veins.</p>
<p>Someone sits beside him, leaning against the familiar yellow railing of the parking lot.</p>
<p>Jiyong and Jihoon, who everyone had started calling Pyo, by his surname, with the excess of people whose name starts with “Ji” in their group, sit in silence.</p>
<p>“He’s sparing me,” Jiyong says, without looking at Pyo. “But you’re his best friend. You must know. What isn’t he telling me?”</p>
<p>“...I don’t know how much he does tell you,” Pyo says.</p>
<p>“I know that he’s struggling with recovery,” Jiyong says. “I know that he’s not happy with it. I know that he drinks too much. He doesn’t tell me much else.”</p>
<p>He goes silent. Pyo plays with the ring on his hand, looking down.</p>
<p>“He keeps reassuring me that he’s eating well. I think he’s lying to me.”</p>
<p>Pyo shakes his head. “I wouldn’t know. I don’t see him eating that often, but Yoon is his roommate, we could ask him.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods tiredly.</p>
<p>“He’s just miserable,” Pyo admits at last. “He thinks that recovery is ruining him. He… hates himself and…”</p>
<p>“And he poisons himself both out of hatred and to try and feel something good. Yup, that’s familiar,” Jiyong whispers, almost choking on that feeling. The worry.</p>
<p>Pyo’s fidgeting gets progressively more intense. He and Minho seem to have that in common. “Everyone thought it would do him good, but—”</p>
<p>“It happens,” Jiyong says. “It’s exactly what happened to me the first time around.” He takes a deep breath. “We have a long way ahead of us. But I’m not leaving him. No, I… I’ll do everything I can to—” He hiccups and angrily wipes his eyes.</p>
<p>Pyo reaches out and places his hand on Jiyong’s shoulder. “He’s not alone. I’m just not sure if <em>he</em> knows that.”</p>
<p>Jiyong sniffles, wipes his eyes, hiccups, and sniffles again. “Let’s get him home.” He looks at Pyo. “Do you want to come over? There’s enough room for all three of us.”</p>
<p>Pyo nods. “Yeah… Can Jiho come over too?”</p>
<p>“Of course.”</p>
<p>“Thank you.” Pyo looks over at Minho. “Let’s go.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The next morning, everyone acts as if nothing ever happened. They have breakfast, they chat and joke. Minho is the last one to come downstairs as the most hungover one, but he joins in on the fun.</p>
<p>After Jiho and Pyo leave, Minho and Jiyong are left cuddling on the couch.</p>
<p>Jiyong dreads what is about to come, what has been put off for way too long.</p>
<p>“Min…”</p>
<p>Minho looks up. He hums in response.</p>
<p>“You… Fuck. We need to talk to each other, you know? You need to talk to your friends and me, and be honest with us. I need to know how you’re feeling so that I know how to help. We can deal with shitty situations, Min, if only you tell me and ask for help.”</p>
<p>Minho nods, closes his eyes. “I know… I know all that but it’s fucking hard.”</p>
<p>“I know that,” Jiyong says, nuzzling Minho softly. “You need to make an effort, Min.”</p>
<p>“God,” Minho mumbles, hiding his face in the crook of Jiyong’s neck. “Why do I have to be so fucked up, why—”</p>
<p>“There’s no point in asking that, love. All you can do is your best to recover.” After a pause, Jiyong adds a quiet, “Please.”</p>
<p>Minho looks up at Jiyong with a hesitant gaze. “I… Don’t know if I can.”</p>
<p>“You can. You’re just experiencing a low that we need to push through.”</p>
<p>Minho sighs, nuzzling into Jiyong again. “I guess I have to try… God. I’ll try. It’s all I can do anyway.”</p>
<p>“That’s true,” Jiyong says with some relief. “But I know you’ll do well. Just keep trying.”</p>
<p>Minho nods, and he nods again. “I will.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. V</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Do you remember when you asked me if I could move in?” His determination falters just a little. “Well, it was more of an off-hand comment, but…”</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Minho is playing with his food. Jiyong is having a tough time focusing on his beautiful white button-up with thin black stripes and is instead regretting setting up the date at a restaurant.</p><p>“Is everything okay?” Jiyong asks, reaching out and taking Minho’s hand.</p><p>Minho nods. “Yeah, I’m just thinking.”</p><p>“What are you thinking about?” Jiyong asks in a soft tone. When has he become so patient? Was it all Minho?</p><p>It is encouraging how Minho looks up with a clear gaze and something like determination in his eyes.</p><p>“Do you remember when you asked me if I could move in?” His determination falters just a little. “Well, it was more of an off-hand comment, but…”</p><p>“Oh, I remember. I was quite serious, love. I was afraid that it was pressuring you, so I never mentioned it.”</p><p>Minho nods, with a smile now appearing on his lips. “Well, I’ve been thinking about it and I think it would be good for me.” Minho leans in and kisses Jiyong’s hand. “Obviously because I’ll be with you and Johnny. But I think it could be good for me in other ways…”</p><p>Jiyong’s eyes simply glisten. He already got confirmation that he will be able to live with the person he loves, is it possible that there are more upsides to this?</p><p>“I’m listening,” Jiyong says when Minho doesn’t continue.</p><p>Minho wiggles to the edge of his seat, leaning even farther in. “Well, life in the dorm is really hectic which isn’t good for my anxiety. I think, living with you could help me get organized better and feel more in control of things, which is also good for my ED.” Minho lights up, flashing a bright smile. “Maybe I can cook for the both of us!”</p><p>Jiyong wants to hug him and kiss all over his face right there and then, although the amount of kissing he has in mind would be inappropriate for the restaurant, so he opts for a light kiss on the cheek and he saves the rest for later.</p><p>“Minho, this is wonderful—fuck, I’m—” Jiyong’s chest swells. His heart hurts, but not in that usual, heavy way. It’s overwhelming, light and bright. “Fuck, I’m <em>happy</em>. This is good, this is… We can do this. We can make this work.”</p><p>Jiyong leans in and cups Minho’s cheeks, kissing him lightly on the lips.</p><p>Minho is smiling, dimples on display. “I really want this to work.”</p><p>“Come over tonight,” Jiyong says. “Let’s figure out the details in the morning.”</p><p>Minho nods, smile widening. “Let’s do it!”</p><p>Jiyong can hardly wait for them to get home. He can’t help it, he is already thinking of his house as <em>their </em>home.</p><p>Once they arrive, the first thing Minho does is greet Johnny and Jiyong can’t really fault him for that. He lets them have their moment.</p><p>He sits on the couch, hugging his knees, smiling at Minho’s high pitched voice that he uses when he is babying his cat.</p><p>As much as Jiyong wants to let Minho have his time with Johnny, he finds himself in need of Minho’s attention as well. He reaches out, making grabby hands towards Minho, calling his name softly.</p><p>Minho looks up and smiles. He puts Johnny down, and goes over to the couch, wrapping his arms around Jiyong. Jiyong unfolds, gently pushing Minho onto the couch. He kisses all over Minho’s face, which makes the younger giggle. There it is again, the swelling in Jiyong’s chest, the overwhelming happiness.</p><p>Jiyong didn’t think he could feel this way again, ever since he quit drugs.</p><p>It isn’t the same, though. It isn’t a replacement for a high. It’s something new, beautiful in its own right.</p><p>“I love you,” Jiyong whispers. “I know it shouldn’t be said too often or too soon, but fuck, I do.”</p><p>“I love you too,” Minho says right back. “And I’ll say it as much as I want to.”</p><p>Jiyong grins. He kisses Minho’s cheeks and his nose and his forehead and his chin. He embraces Minho, unwilling to let go. To ever let go.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. VI</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Jiyong can hardly believe that from now on he will get to wake up beside Minho every single day.</p>
<p>He can hardly believe that Minho is there, beside him, in this very moment.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I really meant to post this on Monday, I did.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jiyong can hardly believe that from now on he will get to wake up beside Minho every single day.</p>
<p>He can hardly believe that Minho is there, beside him, in this very moment.</p>
<p>Jiyong doesn’t want to wake him… But how can he resist kissing his cute little nose? To Jiyong’s relief, this kiss does nothing to stir Minho out of his sleep. It ends up being Johnny’s walking on top of him that manages to wake him up.</p>
<p>“Well good morning lovely,” Minho tells the cat, doing that thing where he makes his voice all high-pitched, solely for the purpose of talking to his cat. Minho has been overjoyed to be reunited with Johnny at last, so he was giving her a lot of attention.</p>
<p>Jiyong watched Minho and Johnny with a smile on his lips, patiently waiting his turn.</p>
<p>And eventually it is his turn. Minho puts Johnny down and rolls over, stopping right in front of Jiyong, their noses touching.</p>
<p>“Boop,” Minho says.</p>
<p>Jiyong smiles. “Hey there.”</p>
<p>Jiyong slips an arm around Minho’s waist and kisses him. Minho lets out a little hum, parting his lips. Jiyong gently nudges Minho onto his back, climbing on top of him with his legs on either side of Minho’s hips.</p>
<p>They part only when they need to catch a breath. Jiyong is quick to lean back in, kissing down Minho’s neck.</p>
<p>Minho lets out a sigh, which at first Jiyong thinks was a sign of pleasure. But when he touches Minho’s arm, he feels the tension in his body. A similar noise escapes him and Jiyong realizes that it is, in fact, a sound of discomfort.</p>
<p>Jiyong pulls away. “Everything okay?”</p>
<p>Minho nods. “Of course,” weakly.</p>
<p>“I’m not so sure about that.”</p>
<p>“I’m <em>fine</em>.” Minho pulls Jiyong in and kisses him, clearly an attempt to shut him up and cut the conversation short.</p>
<p>Jiyong goes with it, simply because he doesn’t want to push it. But he knows they’ll have to talk about it eventually.</p>
<p>Especially after Minho pulls away so abruptly, and announces that he’s late for whatever engagement he has that day.</p>
<p>* * *</p>
<p>While Minho is out that day, the doorbell surprisingly rings. Assuming that it’s one of Jiyong’s friends or Minho himself, Jiyong feels free to appear at the door in his underwear and one of Minho’s shirts.</p>
<p>Imagine his surprise when he sees Pyo at the door.</p>
<p>Jiyong’s face turns crimson as he gives an awkward greeting.</p>
<p>Pyo isn’t doing much better. “I, uh… I have something for—for Minho, is he—home?”</p>
<p>Jiyong clears his throat. “No, he’s out… You can just leave it here?”</p>
<p>Pyo hands over quite the hefty stack of papers. “His notes…”</p>
<p>Rather than taking it, Jiyong moves from the doorway and invites Pyo in. Hesitantly, Pyo accepts the invitation.</p>
<p>“You can, uh, sit down and I’ll… Get some pants,” Jiyong says and hastily makes his way up the stairs to his and Minho’s room.</p>
<p>When he comes back downstairs, Jiyong offers Pyo a drink, and Pyo asks for some coffee. Jiyong takes the opportunity to make himself one.</p>
<p>They sit on the couch together, both unsure what to say. They’ve never hung out without Minho or one of his other friends around.</p>
<p>“So um…” Pyo goes quiet. He’s trying, bless his little heart. “Minho is doing better.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. “I think he still hates the whole recovery thing… He’s struggling to leave bad habits behind, but he’s trying.”</p>
<p>“You must have gotten some sense into him that day, huh?” Pyo says, trying to keep up a light-hearted tone.</p>
<p>Jiyong smiles. From that tone he realizes that talking about Minho and his and Jiyong’s struggles with recovery isn’t a good conversation topic, even though they have worry for Minho in common.</p>
<p>“So… You do photography?” Jiyong tries.</p>
<p>Pyo perks up at the mention of his hobby. Much like Minho, he is hesitant at first, afraid that he is talking too much. But Jiyong once again proves that he’s a good listener, helping Pyo relax in their conversation.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Minho comes home that day, he’s surprised to see his boyfriend and his best friend on the couch in the house he’s recently started calling his own, in a heated discussion. He stares at them while taking his shoes off.</p>
<p>“Uh… Hey guys.”</p>
<p>Jiyong and Pyo spare Minho a glance.</p>
<p>“Oh hey Min,” Pyo says and Jiyong gives a wave. They return to their conversation quickly.</p>
<p>Minho is still a little bewildered as he sits on the floor beside them. He listens for a while and joins in as soon as he catches onto the topic.</p>
<p>In a while though, Pyo realizes that it’s late and excuses himself. “I’m glad I get to see you Min,” he says, giving Minho a hug. “See you later, Jiyong.” Pyo waves.</p>
<p>Jiyong holds out his fist for a fist-bump and Pyo gives him one with a big, goofy smile. Then he’s gone.</p>
<p>“What was that?” Minho asks as soon as the door closes.</p>
<p>“Pyo came by to leave you some notes? We got talking and…” Jiyong shrugs.</p>
<p>Minho smiles. “Hey… You guys are getting along. I’m glad.”</p>
<p>“Getting along…” Jiyong covers his face and bursts out laughing. “I showed up in my underwear in front of your best friend!”</p>
<p>Minho joins in on the laughter, undoubtedly imagining the situation.</p>
<p>“He was so embarrassed… Hell, I was embarrassed! I thought it was someone else, I wasn’t even <em>thinking…</em>”</p>
<p>And so Jiyong tells him all about what they talked about and how they hung out. In the meantime Minho climbs on the couch, engulfing Jiyong in a hug.</p>
<p>On account of what happened that morning, Jiyong is just glad that they’re still on hugging terms.</p>
<p>And now that he’s remembered that issue, Jiyong can’t help but mention it.</p>
<p>“Hey, Min.”</p>
<p>“Hm?”</p>
<p>“About this morning…”</p>
<p>Minho looks away. “Can we not…?”</p>
<p>“I think we kinda have to.”</p>
<p>Minho shrinks, hiding his face in Jiyong’s shoulder. “I didn’t mean to reject you, I just…”</p>
<p>“You weren’t feeling up to it?” Jiyong asks. It’s the easiest guess and what he hopes is the reason. If it’s something else… Jiyong is afraid it might be much more difficult to solve.</p>
<p>“Yeah… I guess I just wasn’t in the mood,” Minho says, but not to Jiyong’s relief.</p>
<p>Because he’s lying.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>The thing is that Jiyong was happy the first time he realized his sex drive had returned. It meant that things with his body were returning to normal, which Jiyong couldn’t have been happier about.</p>
<p>He wasn’t going to <em>announce </em>it to Minho, not directly anyway. That morning when Minho rejected him…. That was kind of his announcement.</p>
<p>And now Jiyong is just worried and scared. Scared that someday he will cross Minho’s boundaries and lose him forever. And how could he know Minho’s boundaries if he never talks about them?</p>
<p>What they end up with is both of them holding back, but unable to talk about why.</p>
<p>Until Jiyong loses patience. He doesn’t doubt that Minho can go on ignoring the problem forever, but Jiyong can’t.</p>
<p>He went against better judgment. He drank. Not too much, and not like before. He couldn’t—he was out with Chaerin, Seunghyun, Youngbae and Daesung, who were good at keeping him in check. But he did get buzzed, enough to remove most boundaries he might have had otherwise.</p>
<p>As soon as he’s home, he throws himself at Minho, who has been studying in the living room. Papers still scattered on the floor, Jiyong steps over them, arms wrapped around Minho’s neck.</p>
<p>“Woah there,” the younger mutters, taking Jiyong by the hips to steady him.</p>
<p>“Minho, Minho, Minho,” Jiyong mutters, gently pushing him onto the couch. “Please. <em>Please</em>.” He straddles Minho’s hips.  “I’ve wanted you for so long. I wanted—”</p>
<p>Minho grips Jiyong’s hips, trying to push him away. “Let’s not—”</p>
<p>Jiyong’s shoulders drop. “I—Yeah. I thought so.” He gets off of Minho and drops onto the couch beside him.</p>
<p>“Jiyong, I—”</p>
<p>“It’s fine.” Jiyong rests his elbows on his knees, keeping his head down. Ashamed. He let a little bit of alcohol make him lose his decency.</p>
<p>“It’s just that you’re drunk, and I’m…”</p>
<p>“What?” Jiyong prompts him. “You’re what? I don’t want any more excuses, Minho.”</p>
<p>Minho averts his gaze, looking like a kicked puppy.</p>
<p>“No, no, I didn’t mean it like that. Fuck.” Jiyong passes a hand over his face. “It’s <em>okay </em>that you don’t want to have sex, I just—if there’s an issue we should talk about it, remember? I wanted to believe you when you said you just weren’t in the mood, but fuck, Minho, I could tell that you lied.”</p>
<p>Minho buries his face in his hands. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I just couldn’t talk about it.”</p>
<p>Watching him like this, Jiyong realizes something. How has he not realized that before? Is he really that selfish?</p>
<p>“Minho… I’m pushing you, aren’t I? Fuck, I’m sorry, I—If you need more time—I promise, it’s not that important. We don’t <em>have </em>to—I just wanna be with you, that’s the most important thing…”</p>
<p>Minho lets him finish before he speaks. “I know where you’re coming from, I do. And—” Minho twists in his seat so that he’s facing Jiyong. He takes Jiyong’s hands and presses them to his chest. “I <em>want </em>it, Yong, I <em>do</em>. I just…”</p>
<p>“It’s okay if you can’t talk about it yet,” Jiyong says tiredly.</p>
<p>Minho shakes his head. “I’m trying to work it out in therapy. It’s tough…” Seeing Jiyong’s sleepy state, Minho pulls him into an embrace. “Let’s talk when you’ve rested. I promise I’ll tell you everything.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. He lets Minho carry him upstairs.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>“I guess I’m no longer sober,” Jiyong says that morning at breakfast.</p>
<p>Minho takes his hand and kisses his knuckles. “It’s tough quitting everything at once. As long as you’re straight, I think little adventures with some alcohol aren’t the worst thing.”</p>
<p>Jiyong sighs. “Yeah, just… I’m not being quite the role model.”</p>
<p>“What are you talking about? You’re an amazing role model. You’re showing me every day that I have to keep fighting… Like you.”</p>
<p>Jiyong gives a weak smile. “I don’t feel like such a beacon of hope. I’m at the edge of my sanity, honestly. Resisting the urges… Fighting my brain every single day… And I’m...” He hiccups.</p>
<p>Minho squeezes his hand.</p>
<p>“Always so scared of hurting you—”</p>
<p>Minho shakes his head. “You’re so careful with me, I couldn’t ask for better treatment. You won’t hurt me, I know you won’t.”</p>
<p>Jiyong covers his mouth, averting his gaze. “I will, I will because I never know where I’m standing. I never know how close I am to going too far—”</p>
<p>“That’s partly my fault, isn’t it? I’m not very good at telling you.”</p>
<p>“It’s no one’s fault. I know it’s hard.”</p>
<p>Minho strokes his thumb over Jiyong’s palm. “I want to tell you what’s been up with me. Why I’ve been turning you down.”</p>
<p>“You don’t have to if you can’t—”</p>
<p>Minho kisses Jiyong’s hand. “I can. Don’t worry about me, okay? I’ll be fine.” He pauses to inhale. “The thing is… I’ve been scared. It’s… It’s my relationship with my body. I’m not—the thought of you seeing me, the thought of being touched—it terrifies me.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. He could have guessed, but he didn’t want to assume. “I know. I understand. I no longer feel that way, but I did once. It’s not a small thing and you shouldn’t force yourself to do anything you’re not ready to do.”</p>
<p>Minho sighs a breath of relief. “Just—trust me when I say I want it too. But it’s—fucking hard.”</p>
<p>“I know. I’m sorry for pushing you.”</p>
<p>Minho smiles and leans in to kiss Jiyong on the lips.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. VII</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>He can’t.</p>
<p>For Minho, for Seunghyun, for Daesung, for Youngbae, for Chaerin, for Dami, for his parents.</p>
<p>He can’t go back down that road.</p>
<p>But damn, does he miss it.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He can’t.</p>
<p>For Minho, for Seunghyun, for Daesung, for Youngbae, for Chaerin, for Dami, for his parents.</p>
<p>He can’t go back down that road.</p>
<p>But <em>damn</em>, does he miss it.</p>
<p>When he gets like this, chest tight with an indeterminate feeling that chokes him, the cigarettes and the alcohol stop helping at some point.</p>
<p>Jiyong wants to drown it out. He wants to stop feeling this shitty.</p>
<p>He’s stopped chasing that high. Something they work on in therapy is giving himself happiness in smaller doses, and finding solace and satisfaction in them. However, he definitely needs something to drown out the tightness in his chest.</p>
<p>To stop choking.</p>
<p>He can’t.</p>
<p>He wouldn’t forgive himself. But even worse, his friends, his family and his boyfriend wouldn’t forgive him. He can’t lose them again. Especially Minho… after everything Jiyong has done to him, he can’t do this as well.</p>
<p>He needs to get away.</p>
<p>He calls Daesung.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Hello?”</em>
</p>
<p>“Hi… Daesungie… I don’t feel safe. I feel like I’m going to do something stupid. Can I—can I come over? Spend the night? I need someone to keep me in check.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Of course, Jiyong… But what about Minho?”</em>
</p>
<p>Jiyong rubs his cheek. “I can’t—God, he’s got so much of his own shit to deal with, I can’t tell him that I’m on the verge of a relapse. I’ll tell him when I’m feeling better… He said he has to study anyway so I will say that I didn’t want to bother him.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Okay. Text me when you leave. See you.”</em>
</p>
<p>Next, Jiyong calls Minho.</p>
<p><em>“But you know I don’t mind having you around when I have to work,” </em>Minho is saying and Jiyong hates how upset he sounds.</p>
<p>“I know, love, but I also wanna catch up a little with the two? Is that okay?”</p>
<p>Minho sighs. <em>“Of course. I just don’t want you to leave because you think you’re bothering me.”</em></p>
<p>“It’s not that.”</p>
<p>
  <em>“Then everything’s fine. I’ll see you tomorrow.”</em>
</p>
<p>Jiyong sighs with relief. “Thank you.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Jiyong wakes up to a text from Minho, telling him that he’s gone to class. Jiyong offers to give him a ride back home, and he agrees.</p>
<p>In the car, Minho seems a little tense. Jiyong can tell by his nervous fumbling.</p>
<p>At a red light, Jiyong reaches out and squeezes Minho’s hand. “Everything’s okay,” he assures. Minho’s shoulders visibly relax. Jiyong’s stomach flips at the thought of what he must say next. “I have to tell you though, the real reason I went to Daesung and Seungyhun’s.”</p>
<p>Minho looks at him wide-eyed. “Okay…”</p>
<p>“Please don’t worry, because I’m fine now. But yesterday, I was… I wasn’t feeling well. I thought I would relapse. I needed someone to keep me distracted and make sure I didn’t do anything stupid.”</p>
<p>Minho is quiet for a moment. “And you didn’t trust me to do it.”</p>
<p>Jiyong removes his gaze from the road only for a second to look at Minho. “No! That’s not it. I just didn’t want to worry you, that’s all. And I didn’t want to take you away from your responsibilities; the task would’ve required you to stay with me and you had to study…”</p>
<p>“I would’ve figured something out, I would’ve stayed with you.”</p>
<p>Jiyong smiles. “I know you would have. That’s all I need to hear. But remember what we talked about, you don’t always have to be the one to take care of me. You can take a break. I’m not alone.”</p>
<p>Minho nods hesitantly. “I know you’re right… But it’s difficult to get used to. Next time, please just tell me so I know what’s going on. Don’t wait. I know you’re in good hands, but I would still like to know when shit’s going down, you know?”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. “I… Yeah, you’re right.”</p>
<p>“I mean, you’re the one who said we need to open up to each other.”</p>
<p>“Fuck. You’re right… Sometimes I suck at taking my own advice.” He gives Minho an apologetic smile.</p>
<p>Jiyong pulls up. Minho leans over and kisses Jiyong’s cheek. “It’s okay. We’re working on it.”</p>
<p>Jiyong doesn’t unlock the door just yet. He sits still, gripping the wheel of the non-moving car.</p>
<p>“Minho… Are you happy in this relationship?”</p>
<p>Jiyong doesn’t want to look at Minho, he doesn’t want to see his mortified expression.</p>
<p>“What..?” Minho utters.</p>
<p>“I’ve just been thinking… You and I both brought our own issues into this relationship. It’s like… we’re always going through something. We can’t catch a damn break. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault of course, I just… I don’t know. I feel like that might be too much for you.”</p>
<p>Minho is quiet for way too long. Jiyong begins to sweat while he waits.</p>
<p>“Are you breaking up with me?” Minho breathes out. He’s on the verge of hyperventilating.</p>
<p>Jiyong immediately lets go of the wheel, turns towards Minho and takes both his hands. “No! No, Minho, I’m not breaking up! No, I’m just… Pointing out  that….” His voice fades as he waits for Minho to take a few deep breaths.</p>
<p>“Okay… Okay.” Minho breathes in a few more times. “I’m <em>happy</em>. I know we have our shit to work through, but I <em>am </em>happy. Please don’t ever doubt that. It’s true, we have so much to work on, but you’re already doing so well!”</p>
<p>“It doesn’t really feel that way,” Jiyong mutters.</p>
<p>“I know it doesn’t, but the results are visible. I’m so fucking proud of you. And I think that with a little effort, we can really make this work. Focus on the positives. Do the work to get better. We’ll be okay. Just… Please don’t scare me like this again.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. He kisses Minho’s knuckles. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.”</p>
<p>“We’re good?” Minho asks.</p>
<p>“We’re good.” Jiyong leans in and kisses him.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>In the evening, something odd happens. While Minho and Jiyong are watching a movie, Minho gently slips his hand under Jiyong’s shirt. Jiyong smiles and kisses Minho’s forehead.</p>
<p>“Looking for something?” Jiyong asks.</p>
<p>Minho’s ears grow red. In response, he bends down and kisses Jiyong’s tummy. Jiyong’s smile widens.</p>
<p>“Really, is there something you want?”</p>
<p>Minho looks up, cheeks crimson. He straddles Jiyong’s lap, holding onto him for dear life.</p>
<p>“I want to try again…”</p>
<p>Jiyong cups Minho’s cheek. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>Minho nods. “Kiss me,” he whispers.</p>
<p>And Jiyong does. He makes sure to be gentle, careful of how he touches Minho. He rests his hands on Minho’s hips, kissing down his neck.</p>
<p>Jiyong tries to encourage him to move his hips and Minho does, slowly, thighs trembling just a little.</p>
<p>Jiyong lets out a little sigh, and grips Minho’s hips tighter.</p>
<p>Minho bends forward, hiding his face in Jiyong’s neck. He tries to move again, but Jiyong can feel him trembling more and more.</p>
<p>“Minho… Look at me,” Jiyong whispers.</p>
<p>He does, only for a second before looking away again.</p>
<p>“You don’t have to do this.”</p>
<p>“I can,” Minho says with hardly any determination in his voice.</p>
<p>Jiyong kisses his nose. “Tell me if anything feels wrong.”</p>
<p>And Jiyong slides his hand down to Minho’s thigh and Minho… loses it.</p>
<p>He grabs Jiyong’s wrist, shuts his eyes with tears rolling down his cheeks.</p>
<p>“I can’t. I can’t, I’m so sorry, I’m sorry—”</p>
<p>Jiyong cups Minho’s cheeks, wiping away his tears gently. “It’s fine. I told you, it’s fine. We don’t need to do this.”</p>
<p>Minho shakes his head. “But will you lose interest in me if we don’t have sex?”</p>
<p>Jiyong’s eyes widen. “Minho—please look at me.”</p>
<p>He does. This time he doesn’t look away.</p>
<p>“I am not with you just because of sex. I fell in love with you, genuinely. Sex, to me, is an afterthought. We can have it and we don’t have to. Please, I love so much about you that has nothing to do with your body. I believe in this, in us, what we’ve built. And will continue to build. Please, remember that you’re the person I fell in love with.”</p>
<p>Tears stream down Minho’s cheeks, and Jiyong can’t wipe them all away. “God, Jiyong, I’m always so afraid that you’ll leave me—You’re <em>you </em>and I’m just—a stupid fanboy with a crush—”</p>
<p>“Don’t say that. I saw in you great beauty that is not physical. I don’t see you as my fanboy. I see you as someone I am infatuated with. Please Minho, believe me when I say this. I don’t choose my lovers based on popularity. You are the person for me.” Attempting to cheer him up a little, Jiyong bumps their noses together. “Besides, you’ve grown into quite the celebrity yourself.”</p>
<p>Minho finally smiles, now wiping his own tears. “That’s true… I’m sorry for being so insecure—”</p>
<p>“That’s nothing to apologize for,” Jiyong says softly.</p>
<p>Minho nods. Jiyong pecks him on the lips.</p>
<p>“Let’s do our best. That’s all we need, isn’t it?”</p>
<p>Minho nods. He nuzzles close to Jiyong, letting himself be embraced.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. VIII</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Someone grabs his arm. Jiyong is ready to kick the person, when he swings around only to see Minho. He’s immediately relieved, squeezing Minho’s hand in return.</p><p>“You found me—”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I will be answering to comments shortly! A big thank you to everyone who's supporting this story &lt;3</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jiyong tiptoes, trying to spot a familiar face in the crowd. Damn his height. The club is packed, and he got separated from his friends and boyfriend.</p><p>He only lost them a while ago, they can’t have gotten far…</p><p>Someone grabs his arm. Jiyong is ready to kick the person, when he swings around only to see Minho. He’s immediately relieved, squeezing Minho’s hand in return.</p><p>“You found me—”</p><p>He doesn’t even get to finish his sentence when Minho starts dragging him towards the bathroom. He pulls Jiyong inside one of the stalls. He doesn’t look like he’s about to do anything overly romantic, rather he seems to be out of it.</p><p>“I may have done something really stupid,” he says. In here, it’s much easier to talk. One still needs to raise their voice, but the music is only a muffled beat all around them.</p><p>“What did you do?” Jiyong asks, pressing Minho’s hand to his own heart to ground him.</p><p>Minho tells him about how when they were separated, a group of girls approached, having recognized him. They weren’t mere fans, they were certainly bold enough to try to flirt, but they did have their phones out, filming everything. Not knowing how to get out of the situation, and feeling extremely uncomfortable, Minho apparently blurted out that he was “taken.”</p><p>“Oh.” Jiyong needs a moment to clear his head. “It’s not a big deal. We’ll talk to Seunghyun, he’ll figure something out. He always does. Hey.” He cups Minho’s cheek, making him look up. “He’s gotten me out of shit way worse than a dating scandal. We’ll figure it out.”</p><p>Minho nods a few times.</p><p>“Do you want to leave?”</p><p>Minho stops to think about it, but then shakes his head. “I can—Let’s try to have a good time.”</p><p>Jiyong smiles. “Say no more.”</p><p>He goes to unlock the stall door, but Minho stops him. He presses Jiyong up against the door and kisses him, lacing his fingers in Jiyong’s hair.</p><p>Not having expected it, it takes Jiyong a second to reciprocate. Minho smiles into the kiss. They’re both clumsy, slightly disoriented, but soon they catch the rhythm of the music and everything seems to settle around them.</p><p>Jiyong’s hands find Minho’s waist. To his surprise, Minho takes Jiyong’s wrist and leads his hand under his own shirt, as if giving him permission.</p><p>Jiyong pulls away from the kiss, giving Minho a slightly confused look.</p><p>“I’m fine,” Minho says. “Tonight, I’m fine.”</p><p>Jiyong smiles. His hands wander, feeling every inch of Minho’s skin. Minho is kissing Jiyong’s neck, holding onto his belt hoops.</p><p>Jiyong leans his head back against the door, looks up at the ceiling and thinks about how it’s never been like this.</p><p>Never has making out at a party been this good. Not just because this time he’s sober, but because this time he’s with <em>Minho</em>.</p><p>Jiyong gently pushes Minho away, only to be able to press their foreheads together.</p><p>“I love you,” he says, just loud enough for Minho to hear.</p><p>He smiles. “I love you too.” And he kisses him again.</p><p> </p><p>Later, they return to the dance floor. They’re both a little out of it, a little too high on their shared moment to care about what anyone else might think if they see. So they hold each other, they kiss. People may be filming. Minho’s hands are in Jiyong’s back pockets. They don’t care.</p><p>Jiyong and Minho are jumping along to a song when they get tugged to the side. “We’re hungry,” says Daesung. “Let’s go find something that’s still open.”</p><p>And even though they could dance for hours more, Jiyong and Minho agree.</p><p>While walking, Seunghyun inserts himself between the couple, wrapping his arms around their shoulders. “So. I take it you’re dropping the act?”</p><p>“What do you mean?” Minho asks.</p><p>“You were all over each other on the dance floor. I <em>could </em>cover it up, but...”</p><p>Jiyong lightly elbows Seunghyun. “Hey! No work during leisure time!”</p><p>“Actually,” Minho chimes in. “I think I do want to drop the act.” He looks at Jiyong. “If you’re okay with it… I think I’m ready for the public to know about us.”</p><p>Jiyong stares. “Are you serious?”</p><p>Minho nods.</p><p>In that moment, they reach their cars. Now that everyone’s sober, it isn’t a problem to drive, although Jiyong still asked Seunghyun to give him and Minho a ride, just in case.</p><p>He turns to Minho. “You really want to go public?”</p><p>Minho nods. “I don’t want to hide anymore. I know I might lose some fans, but I’m confident in my artistic abilities to keep people interested.”</p><p>Jiyong cups Minho’s cheeks and kisses him. “You couldn’t have made me happier tonight, you know.”</p><p>This seems to be the fact that makes Minho smile the brightest.</p><p> </p><p>They go to get some <em>very </em>early breakfast at a 24/7 diner. The group of friends sits by the window, to watch the sunrise.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. IX</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Seunghyun said that it would blow over, the enormous attention their relationship is getting. He said that it’s still huge news, that they just need to sit tight and wait.</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Another one because they're both short and I've been away (again).</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Seunghyun said that it would blow over, the enormous attention their relationship is getting. He said that it’s still huge news, that they just need to sit tight and wait.</p><p>All eyes are on them, which is why Jiyong spends most of his time at home these days. Not only that, but he is getting ideas for potential new songs.</p><p>Minho would join him if he didn’t have to go to class, of course.</p><p>Still, they have a lot more time together than they would usually.</p><p>Jiyong has to admit, he is quite relieved that Minho isn’t going out and drinking as much as he used to. He isn’t sure if that’s because Minho genuinely realized the error of his ways, or if he’s staying in just because of the media and paparazzi attention, but either way, it’s a good thing.</p><p> </p><p>They spend all their free time together. When Minho isn’t at lessons or studying, when Jiyong isn’t writing songs or painting, they are together for certain.</p><p>At the moment Minho is lying down on top of Jiyong. They have a movie on, but they aren’t really watching. Minho is working on covering every inch of Jiyong’s skin with gentle kisses. Jiyong’s heart is swelling. There are silly butterflies in his stomach and occasionally he giggles, especially when Minho kisses his neck.</p><p>Minho lies down on top of Jiyong quite often, and vice versa, but Jiyong has noticed that Minho has gotten heavier. Not heavy, just heavier, and the fact is making Jiyong rather relieved. He’d never bring it up, of course, as he doesn’t want to upset Minho, but he’s glad to have a silent confirmation of his recovery.</p><p>“I have to ask you something,” Minho says, propping himself up on his elbows. In doing so, his hip jabs at Jiyong’s stomach and he yelps.</p><p>“Sorry,” Minho says, readjusting so that he isn’t stabbing Jiyong with any part of his body.</p><p>“No worries,” says Jiyong. “What did you wanna ask?”</p><p>Minho traces patterns on Jiyong’s chest, looking down rather than at Jiyong. “You know how everyone advises not to mention an anorexic’s eating habits, like, ever?”</p><p>Jiyong’s stomach drops. “Yeah…” He knows. He’s made sure never to comment on Minho’s eating habits, not wanting to trigger a relapse. He’s been so careful. Has he messed up? Maybe he mentioned something without noticing. Or maybe it was something he thought would be fine but actually wasn’t. Fuck, what if he fucked up? What if Minho has relapsed because of him? What if…</p><p>“Well, I kind of,” Minho starts and immediately pauses. He sighs. “I feel like I might actually benefit from <em>some </em>comments.”</p><p>The lump in Jiyong’s throat starts to dissolve. Had he not fucked up after all? He lets Minho speak.</p><p>“Right now I still feel immense guilt whenever I eat, even though I try to ignore it. I’ve talked about it with my therapist and I might just… it might help if someone told me that what I’m doing is <em>good</em>. Might help with the guilt if someone tells me that what I’m doing is not only normal but counts as progress.”</p><p>Jiyong nods. “Of course. I’ve actually wanted to—But I didn’t want to say anything because I’ve heard sometimes even compliments can be harmful.”</p><p>Minho kisses Jiyong’s nose. “I know and thank you so much for looking out for me. But let’s try this and see if it makes me feel better or worse, okay?”</p><p>Jiyong nods once more. “Of course.” He wraps his arms around Minho’s neck. “I’m so proud of you.”</p><p>Minho’s cheeks grow crimson. “I didn’t mean right now.”</p><p>“I know, I’m just saying. I’m proud of everything you’re doing for yourself. Not just with eating. I’m proud of you for working on yourself.”</p><p>Minho ducks his head, buries his face in the crook of Jiyong’s neck. “In that case, I’m proud of you too. You’re doing the same thing.”</p><p>Jiyong feels a stab of guilt. He isn’t doing as well as he tells everyone. But all he says is a small, “Thank you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. X</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>It is the absolute last thing Jiyong needs at the moment.</p><p>Already struggling to win the fight against his own mind, Jiyong truly doesn’t need this kind of temptation.</p><p>The worst possible thing that could’ve happened ended up happening.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It is the absolute last thing Jiyong needs at the moment.</p><p>Already struggling to win the fight against his own mind, Jiyong truly doesn’t need this kind of temptation.</p><p>The worst possible thing that could’ve happened ended up happening.</p><p>He received a message from Shincho.</p><p>Not just any message.</p><p>A message saying, ‘JayEn has been released.’</p><p>Livid, Jiyong decides to call the man to finish this once and for all.</p><p>“What the fuck, Shincho?” Jiyong says as soon as the other picks up the phone.</p><p><em>“What?”</em> He asks sleepily.</p><p>“Why would you tell me that? Hold on, actually, why do you even keep texting me? Didn’t I fucking make it clear that I don’t want anything to do with you anymore?”</p><p><em>“That’s not the impression I got,”</em> says Shincho, sounding incredibly smug. <em>“Besides, weren’t you friends with JayEn? I just thought you wanted to know. Doesn’t have to go anywhere.”</em></p><p>“Fuck you Shincho. Do not call me again,” saying this, Jiyong hangs up and blocks his number. He blocks the others as well. He doesn’t need this, not when he’s trying to get better.</p><p>The only person he doesn’t block is JayEn.</p><p>He… didn’t really do anything to deserve it. And he just got out of prison, Jiyong figures he might as well check up on him. Just check up on him, that’s all.</p><p> </p><p>“So,” says JayEn, breaking the silence.</p><p>They met up quite a while ago, but so far they’ve just been smoking in silence. Jiyong didn’t know what to say. What <em>does </em>one say to their ex friend, ex dealer who just got released from prison?</p><p>“I hear you’re clean now,” JayEn continues.</p><p>Jiyong nods. “Yup. Turning a new leaf and all that.”</p><p>JayEn nods as well. “And you’re, uh, dating that kid. Minho?”</p><p>Jiyong nods. He feels like a bobble head.</p><p>“That’s good. I’m happy for you, man.”</p><p>“And you’ve…” Jiyong tries.</p><p>“Yup.”</p><p>And that’s it. Jiyong wonders, how were JayEn and him ever friends? It was probably the drugs.</p><p>“You’ve had it rough,” JayEn says. “I know it was… partly my fault…”</p><p>“Stop. You were doing your job.”</p><p>JayEn shakes his head. “You were my friend. What I did to you… Everything that happened afterwards, your OD, it was all my fault.”</p><p>“No offense, but you’re a fucking dealer, Jay. What were you supposed to do? Pat my head and send my ass to therapy?” Jiyong huffs, taking a drag of his cigarette. “There’s no point in taking blame for such things. It was my choice, anyway.”</p><p>“That’s what you think, babe. That’s what you think.” JayEn doesn’t elaborate, only inhales the smoke. Having finished his cigarette, he puts it out and throws it off the side of the building.</p><p>“Listen, I’m glad you wanted to see me. But I don’t think we should hang out anymore. If you wanna live a different life, you gotta cut all ties.”</p><p>Jiyong nods. “I guess so.”</p><p>He pauses.</p><p>He looks at the other, at his curly hair falling into his eyes, poking from out of his hood. Jiyong then looks back ahead, staring at the street below.</p><p>“It hasn’t been all that sunshine and rainbows for me, y’know. I’m…” Jiyong ruffles his own hair. “...really struggling to—resist the urges. I’m not all that good and I just—<em>Fuck</em>.” He takes a deep breath. “I wanna go back, you know? It feels like it was easier. I don’t—fucking know who I am when I’m not fucked up.”</p><p>“You should tell that to your therapist,” is JayEn’s thought out response.</p><p>Jiyong throws the cigarette butt over the railing. “I somehow thought you’d understand,” he spits.</p><p>“I’m fucking with you, man. I know how you feel.” JayEn pauses to light another cigarette. “I just… Don’t know what to say. I’m sorry. I’m not there myself.”</p><p>Jiyong can tell. To say that JayEn looks horrid would be an understatement, and that’s only when it comes to his physical appearance. Jiyong can’t imagine everything else he must be going through.</p><p>“I guess we’ll figure it out,” Jiyong mutters.</p><p>“I guess so.”</p><p> </p><p>Driving home, Jiyong realized that he could’ve gone his entire life without this meeting. He didn’t need to see JayEn.</p><p>Not only has nothing changed in Jiyong’s understanding of his own situation, but… He now also needs to face Minho.</p><p>“Where have you been?” He asks, simply out of curiosity. Arms loosely wrapped around Jiyong’s waist, Minho leans in and kisses his cheek.</p><p>Jiyong rests his fists on Minho’s chest and nuzzles close to him. He doesn’t respond for a beat.</p><p>“I went to see Jay. My—old dealer.”</p><p>Minho steps back. “Wh-at?” His eyes are wide. Jiyong avoids his gaze.</p><p>“He recently got out of prison and—” As Jiyong’s voice begins to tremble, he stops to clear his throat. “I just wanted to see him. We used to be friends, in a way. I kinda thought that… Talking to him would bring me some kind of clarity…” Jiyong trails off as he notices Minho staring off into space.</p><p>“Clarity about <em>what</em>?” Minho whispers, carefully taking Jiyong’s hands with his own shaking ones.</p><p>Jiyong stays quiet. There are things he’s been afraid to tell Minho. Things he’d rather keep to himself, knowing that Minho has his own shit to deal with. But, Jiyong was the one to say that they needed to be open with each other. He should honour that.</p><p>Jiyong leads Minho to the couch. Minho sits with his knee bent so that he can face Jiyong, meanwhile Jiyong curls up into a little ball, hugging his knees, facing Minho.</p><p>“I haven’t been well,” he says at last.</p><p>“I know,” says Minho.</p><p>Jiyong doesn’t speak. It feels like everything he might say would be the wrong thing.</p><p>“I can tell,” Minho continues. “And I’m not all that happy that you try to hide it from me.”</p><p>Jiyong looks up. “I’m sorry,” he breathes out. Reasons and excuses are useless, Jiyong knows this. They’ve already talked about it so many times. All he can do is take the blame and apologize. “I should’ve been honest, I’m so sorry—”</p><p>Minho takes Jiyong’s hand and presses a kiss to his knuckles. “It’s alright. I know why you did it. It’s fine.”</p><p>Jiyong sighs a breath of relief.</p><p>“Now tell me,” Minho says softly.</p><p>Jiyong takes a deep breath. “I’m afraid of a relapse. The danger is always there. When I’m feeling good then I want to go back to feeling like shit. When I feel like shit, I want to make it worse. I’m fucking terrified because one part of me wants to go back to the way I was two years ago, but the other part of me doesn’t want to fuck up again. I don’t—want to lose you or my friends again and—”</p><p>Minho squeezes Jiyong’s hand. “I know. I understand. I know exactly how you feel.” He pauses. “Listen, I’m not encouraging a relapse, but you need to know that you won’t lose us even if it does happen. We’re here to support you.”</p><p>Jiyong nods a few times, breathing slowly to prevent himself from getting worked up.</p><p>He smiles. “Thank you.”</p><p>Minho smiles back. He leans in and kisses Jiyong’s nose. “Go on,” he says.</p><p>Jiyong shakes his head. “No, that’s it… I mean, you know that I can’t always explain how I’m feeling or why I’m feeling that way. I just know that I’m at a low right now.”</p><p>Minho nods in understanding. “I’m here for you. Talk to me, okay? Talk to the others, and when you think things might get dangerous, seek us out. We’ll be here for you.”</p><p>Jiyong nods. He unravels in order to be able to hug Minho.</p><p>“I have some good news though,” Jiyong says, looking up at his boyfriend.</p><p>“Oh?”</p><p>“I haven’t told anyone yet, but I’ve been working on some songs. I think I might be able to get out an album, by myself.”</p><p>Minho sits up a little, though still holding Jiyong. “Babe, that’s amazing! I’m so proud of you.” Smiling softly, he pulls Jiyong closer.</p><p>“Thank you,” Jiyong mutters, returning the smile. “I think I deserve kisses,” he adds, looking up at Minho with pouty lips.</p><p>Happily, Minho obliges.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. XI</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>“Oh, you’re awake,” says Minho, smiling down at him.</p>
<p>Jiyong hits a soft surface. Around him, their bedroom is dark.</p>
<p>“What…?” Jiyong trails off, unsure what he was even going to ask.</p>
<p>Minho sits on the bed beside him and gently tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. “You fell asleep in the studio, love. I didn’t mean to wake you up while carrying you.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Computer was broken so I couldn't post on Monday.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jiyong wakes up in movement. It takes him a few moments to realize what’s happening; that he is no longer in his studio and in fact is in Minho’s arms. He clings onto the sleeve of his lover and sleepily looks up.</p>
<p>“Oh, you’re awake,” says Minho, smiling down at him.</p>
<p>Jiyong hits a soft surface. Around him, their bedroom is dark.</p>
<p>“What…?” Jiyong trails off, unsure what he was even going to ask.</p>
<p>Minho sits on the bed beside him and gently tucks a strand of hair behind his ear. “You fell asleep in the studio, love. I didn’t mean to wake you up while carrying you.”</p>
<p>“It’s fine…” Jiyong’s eyes widen. “Fuck! I haven’t finished--” As he speaks, he attempts to stand up, but he is met with resistance. Minho, taking him by the shoulders and keeping him in place.</p>
<p>“Baby, you need rest right now, it’s really late.”</p>
<p>Jiyong shakes his head. “But my song--”</p>
<p>Minho leans in and kisses Jiyong’s forehead. “Please, sleep. For me.”</p>
<p>When their eyes meet, Jiyong notices how tired Minho is, not only that, but concerned as well. Jiyong’s shoulders drop. “Fine, I… I guess I’ll take a nap.”</p>
<p>Minho smiles. “I’ll be right with you.” He ruffles Jiyong’s hair and stands up. He goes to their closet and returns with a clean t-shirt which he hands to Jiyong. Already in his pyjamas, he then joins Jiyong in bed.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It doesn’t turn out to be a ‘nap’. Jiyong wakes up in the late morning, with Minho nowhere to be found. When he looks at his phone, he realizes that Minho is probably in class. Meanwhile, Jiyong is feeling much more well-rested and ready to work again. Perhaps Minho was right to insist on him sleeping.</p>
<p>However it is in the middle of his work that he realizes something.</p>
<p>Last night… Minho and him had planned to watch a movie. Instead, Jiyong completely forgot about it and just kept working until… He didn’t really know what time it had been when he fell asleep or when Minho took him to the bedroom.</p>
<p>Jiyong buries his face in his hands.</p>
<p>The very least, Minho didn’t seem to be angry… He still feels awful, though.</p>
<p>That day, he forced himself to get out of the studio in time to make some food for when Minho would be back from class.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>When Minho arrives home, Jiyong unintentionally makes himself as small as possible, clinging to Minho as if his life depends on it.</p>
<p>This odd behaviour doesn’t go unnoticed.</p>
<p>“What’s up with you?” Minho asks as he is taken to the kitchen.</p>
<p>Jiyong shrugs one shoulder. “I just… I made you dinner.”</p>
<p>Minho’s gaze lingers, but he doesn’t say anything else. He sits down, begins to eat.</p>
<p>Jiyong takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry about yesterday.”</p>
<p>Minho looks up, genuinely confused. “Sorry about… what?”</p>
<p>“We were supposed to watch a movie. I completely forgot and…”</p>
<p>For a moment longer, Minho continues to stare. Then he breaks into a relieved-looking smile. “Is that what all this is for?”</p>
<p>Jiyong pauses, then nods.</p>
<p>Minho leans in and kisses his nose. “Baby. Babe. My love. It’s <em>fine</em>. You’ve been working so hard, it’s no wonder you forgot. I’m not upset.”</p>
<p>“I know but, we were supposed to… and…”</p>
<p>Minho shakes his head. “You’re so silly. We’ll watch a movie tonight, okay?”</p>
<p>Jiyong finally lets relief settle in and lets go of his guilt. He nods, smiling.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He falls asleep halfway through the movie. Minho was right, he really has been exhausted.</p>
<p>He wakes up the next morning in his bed, beside his sleeping boyfriend. Jiyong makes sure to get up quietly not to disturb him. Jiyong isn’t the only one who has a lot of work, he knows Minho’s lessons aren’t a breeze either.</p>
<p>On his way to the studio, Minho suddenly emerges from the bedroom and wraps his arms around Jiyong’s waist, thereby trapping him.</p>
<p>“And where do you think you’re going?” Minho asks, drawing Jiyong close.</p>
<p>“Uh, to work? The album won’t produce itself.”</p>
<p>“No, not today,” Minho informs.</p>
<p>Jiyong’s stomach drops. “Min…”</p>
<p>“It’s a fucking weekend. You can take <em>one </em>day off.”</p>
<p>“No—Min! I have to—I can’t just leave it—!!”</p>
<p>Minho begins to drag Jiyong away from the studio and back into their bedroom. Jiyong attempts to fight him, but to no avail. Dammit, he really has gotten stronger.</p>
<p>“Today,” Minho begins, “You will rest. You will eat and sleep and go outside for once! I will not be taking no for an answer.”</p>
<p>Jiyong finds himself with his back hitting the bed, Minho straddling his hips and pinning his wrists to the mattress.</p>
<p>Not that he’s complaining, but he still can’t help asking, “What are you doing?”</p>
<p>“Keeping you restrained so you can’t escape. I need you to agree to my terms first, then I will let you go.”</p>
<p>Jiyong rolls his eyes. “Your terms are agreed upon.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. XII</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>
  <i>“Fuck, Jiyong. Fuck. Just this once, I’m serious. Don’t bother calling me again. I don’t care if you find someone else, I won’t be the one to help you again after this.”</i>
</p>
<p>Jiyong sighs with relief. “Thank you Jay.”</p>
          </blockquote><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>WHO'S READY FOR SOME ANGST</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Minho.</p>
<p>Dami.</p>
<p>Seunghyun.</p>
<p>Daesung.</p>
<p>Youngbae.</p>
<p>Chaerin.</p>
<p>Jiyong repeats their names until the thought leaves his head. He repeats their names until exhaustion takes over and he falls into a restless sleep.</p>
<p>He has finished his album. Promotions have started, Jiyong having promised Seunghyun that he was mentally ready for the endeavour.</p>
<p>But was he, really? Has he overestimated himself?</p>
<p>Jiyong is afraid.</p>
<p>Every schedule leaves him absolutely exhausted. If he isn’t working, he is passed out, wherever he happens to be. Jiyong had been resting, taking care of his health, therefore he had forgotten what a stress it is working on an album, let alone on promoting it.</p>
<p>He hardly has the time to be with Minho. With Jiyong promoting his album, and Minho working hard on his last year of uni, they are both far too busy to even see each other, let alone spend time together.</p>
<p>Jiyong has already taken measures against stress. While working on his album, he has asked his psychiatrist to up his xanax dosage.</p>
<p>And perhaps he’s been taking a bit more than prescribed, but if anything, Jiyong saw it as a necessary measure.</p>
<p>So he went through the creation process, managing to keep afloat.</p>
<p>But now…</p>
<p>Every day, every single day when he comes back from a schedule, before passing out, a terrible thought crosses his mind.</p>
<p>
  <em>If only I had some speed or ecstasy. Or both.</em>
</p>
<p>So he repeats the names of everyone he loves and who loves him, so that he wouldn’t do it.</p>
<p>But he’s afraid, he’s afraid that he might slip.</p>
<p> </p>
<p><em>“No,”</em> JayEn says.</p>
<p>“Jay, don’t make me beg,” Jiyong responds, resting his forehead against the wall.</p>
<p>
  <em>“When I said we needed to cut ties, I was fucking serious, man. You don’t need this.”</em>
</p>
<p>“I do. I—need to get through this. I only have a couple of performances left, I just need to get through them. I’ll be fine, I just need…”</p>
<p>JayEn cuts him off, <em>“You need to talk to your fucking therapist and get some fucking sleep. You’ll get through this without it. Jiyong, don’t put me in this situation. I’m serious.”</em></p>
<p>Before he begs, there is only one thing for Jiyong to try. “You know I could call Minso. Anyone else. There are people who will want to sell it to me. It didn’t have to be you, but I <em>wanted </em>it to be you. I thought we were friends.”</p>
<p><em>“Fuck…”</em> JayEn continues to curse for some minutes. Jiyong waits patiently. The word <em>please </em>is so close to spilling from his mouth, he can taste it on his tongue.</p>
<p>
  <em>“Fuck, Jiyong. Fuck. Just this once, I’m serious. Don’t bother calling me again. I don’t care if you find someone else, I won’t be the one to help you again after this.”</em>
</p>
<p>Jiyong sighs with relief. “Thank you Jay.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>It’s already easier. He has so much more energy, so much more adrenaline fuelling him to dance, to sing, to jump. It might just be the best show he’s put on for this album so far. The audience is so much more loving, reacting more strongly. He’s doing so much better, he <em>is </em>so much better.</p>
<p>He’s missed this feeling.</p>
<p>The only thing that could possibly go wrong in this moment is…</p>
<p>As soon as Jiyong leaves the stage, he finds himself face to face with Seunghyun. And he is immediately grabbed by the arm and dragged to his dressing room.</p>
<p>Jiyong pulls out his earpiece and with some help gets the wires out of his clothing.</p>
<p>“You’re high,” says Seunghyun.</p>
<p>“I’m not,” answers Jiyong.</p>
<p>“I cannot believe you’re trying to lie to me right now.”</p>
<p>“Just because I put on a good fucking show doesn’t mean I’m fucking high!” Jiyong snaps. “Seriously, it’s like you’re against me being happy, one time that I feel good and you’re all up my ass about it, I can’t believe this! Why would you—”</p>
<p>Jiyong stops speaking as Seunghyun grabs his face, forcing him to look at him.</p>
<p>“You’re high. It’s <em>visible</em>, Jiyong. My best fucking friend was an addict for years and you think I can’t tell when he’s high?”</p>
<p>Jiyong swallows around the lump in his throat. Can he lie his way out of this? If he was still at his high he surely would have felt confident enough to try. But the drug is wearing off and Jiyong no longer feels its effects as strongly. He can’t find it in him to keep up the facade, especially after being called out.</p>
<p>But he doesn’t say anything.</p>
<p>Seunghyun lets go of him. “Get dressed and get your things. You’re staying the night at mine and Daesung’s place.”</p>
<p>Jiyong does as told. But as he’s packing, a thought crosses his mind. He straightens up suddenly and turns to Seunghyun.</p>
<p>“Don’t tell Minho.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun huffs. “Why do you think you’re not going home? I’m not crazy. I’m not letting him see you like this.”</p>
<p>Jiyong shudders. He never thought about it. Of course he hadn’t. He’s selfish, he’s an awful fucking person…</p>
<p>Jiyong’s eyes fill with tears.</p>
<p>He’s awful.</p>
<p>“I’m sorry.”</p>
<p>“Stop. It’s fine,” says Seunghyun. “Are you ready?”</p>
<p>Jiyong blinks. Did Seunghyun just say that it’s fine? “You’re not mad at me?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun sighs and walks up to Jiyong. He hugs him.</p>
<p>“I’m not mad,” he says, still holding onto Jiyong. “Worried, scared, yeah. Not mad.” He sighs once more and pulls away. “Now if you’re ready, let’s go.”</p>
<p>Jiyong is hyper aware the entire drive, though exhaustion slowly creeps up on him. By the time they arrive, Jiyong’s eyes are closing and he is unable to move.</p>
<p>The last thing he remembers is Seunghyun picking him up.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>He wakes up to a stabbing sensation in his gut. Jiyong winces, curling in on himself and letting out a small yelp.</p>
<p>Eyes still closed, Jiyong can’t see Seunghyun kneeling beside him, but he hears movement.</p>
<p>“What’s wrong?” Asks Seunghyun.</p>
<p>Jiyong breathes heavily. “It hurts—” He speaks through his teeth.</p>
<p>There’s a hand on his cheek. “If it doesn’t pass, I’ll get you some painkillers.”</p>
<p>“Is that a good idea?” Another voice speaks.</p>
<p>Minho’s voice.</p>
<p>Jiyong’s eyes snap open. He looks around himself frantically.</p>
<p>Minho is beside him on the bed, sitting up with his back against the headboard, hugging his knees. Jiyong looks away, burying his face in the pillow. He decides not to question anything right now. He will pull Seunghyun aside later.</p>
<p>“If it hurts too much, we have no choice. We don’t want him to be in pain,” Seunghyun explains. “Don’t worry,” he adds. Then more gloomily, “We’ve done this before.”</p>
<p>A pause. “I’ll get him some water,” says Seunghyun. Footsteps. He’s gone.</p>
<p>Jiyong wonders if he can choke himself to death by keeping his face in the pillow.</p>
<p>There’s a hand on his head. Softly playing with his hair.</p>
<p>Jiyong wants to cry. Why is Minho treating him with such gentleness after he’d fucked up so badly? Jiyong keeps his face hidden. Neither of them say anything.</p>
<p>Footsteps. Seunghyun must be back. A hand on Jiyong’s shoulder.</p>
<p>“Drink some water,” Seunghyun says, almost pleadingly.</p>
<p>Jiyong stays still for a moment more before he shifts, sitting up slowly. He avoids looking Minho’s way the entire time, while drinking the water, while putting the glass down, and until he’s back on his side, facing away from his lover.</p>
<p>He stares at Seunghyun.</p>
<p>“Does it still hurt?”</p>
<p>“Not right now,” Jiyong mutters.</p>
<p>Seunghyun nods.</p>
<p>“How long was I out?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun looks at his phone. “Like… Ten hours or so.”</p>
<p>Jiyong nods.</p>
<p>“You need to eat.”</p>
<p>He doesn’t feel hungry. It’s the crash, of course, but he knows there’s no arguing this point. If they have to force him to eat, they will. Jiyong only nods.</p>
<p>“Daesung is in the kitchen, dinner will be ready soon. You’ll see if you can come downstairs or if we’ll bring you food here, okay?”</p>
<p>Another nod. He’s afraid to speak. He’s afraid that if he opens his mouth, all that will come out are sobs.</p>
<p>Jiyong buries his face in the pillow once more in order to calm down. Then he slowly sits up. “I’m gonna shower,” he announces. He stands and takes Seunghyun by the sleeve, dragging him towards the bathroom.</p>
<p>Inside, Jiyong sits on the toilet seat and buries his face in his hands. “Why is Minho here?”</p>
<p>Seunghyun sighs. “He called when you didn’t get home.”</p>
<p>Of course he did.</p>
<p>“I tried to lie, but he’s not stupid, you know. I thought he’d bought it, but then he showed up at the door and…”</p>
<p>A sob escapes Jiyong. This familiar weight on his chest threatening to crush him can’t be anything other than shame.</p>
<p>Seunghyun walks over and places a hand on Jiyong’s back. “He just didn’t want you to be alone. He wanted to be by your side and help. He wanted you to be surrounded by people who love you. He’s not angry.”</p>
<p>Jiyong shakes his head. “It’s not—about that. <em>Fuck</em>.” He can hardly speak. His voice comes out choked up and broken.</p>
<p>“I know. I know how you must feel, but please listen to me when I say that it’s alright.”</p>
<p>“<em>How</em> is it alright!?” Jiyong snaps. “How is it alright <em>now</em>, but every other time I—”</p>
<p>Seunghyun takes Jiyong’s wrists, because he started pulling on his hair. Seunghyun takes his hands away from his hair.</p>
<p>“Because,” says Seunghyun, “Every other time you were wallowing in your addiction. Now, you’re recovering. And relapses are just a part of recovery. No one is angry or disappointed because we… knew it was inevitable. But we’re hopeful that you’ll continue moving forward, unlike all those other times.”</p>
<p>Jiyong says nothing. With his head bent, tears fall straight onto his thighs.</p>
<p>Seunghyun tilts his chin up, forcing eye contact. “You will keep moving forward, won’t you?” He sounds concerned.</p>
<p>Jiyong nods.</p>
<p>“Tell me you will. Promise me.”</p>
<p>Jiyong closes his eyes. He opens them again, because otherwise the promise wouldn’t be genuine. “I promise, I’ll keep going.”</p>
<p>“Even when things like these happen,” Seunghyun says.</p>
<p>Jiyong nods. “Even then, I’ll try to… I’ll do my best to get better again.”</p>
<p>Seunghyun sighs a breath of relief. “Good.”</p>
<p>Jiyong stands up, trembling a little. “Now, shoo. I will take that shower.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>After taking a shower and getting dressed, Jiyong knows it is the time to face his boyfriend.</p>
<p>He peeks through the slit between the door and the doorway, spotting Minho, still on the bed, scrolling on his phone. He looks tired… Has he slept at all?</p>
<p>Jiyong walks into the room.</p>
<p>Minho looks up and smiles.</p>
<p>“Hey,” he says. He sounds tired too.</p>
<p>Jiyong walks up to the bed, keeping his gaze on the ground.</p>
<p>“You okay?” Minho asks. “Are you in pain?”</p>
<p>Jiyong shakes his head. Minho shifts, so that he’s sitting closer to where Jiyong is standing. He reaches for Jiyong’s hand. Jiyong lets him take it, but hardly reacts.</p>
<p>“Minho, I’m sorry,” Jiyong whispers.</p>
<p>“You have nothing to be sorry for,” Minho responds immediately, pulling Jiyong onto the bed.</p>
<p>“You’re forgiving and kind,” Jiyong says. “But you must admit I have a lot to apologize for. I messed up… I could have stopped myself at any moment but I didn’t. I pulled you out of the house at night just so you can babysit me. And you have exams to study for! You’ve been so stressed and now I’ve just added onto it—”</p>
<p>“Alright,” said Minho, beginning to stroke Jiyong’s hair. “I accept your apology, if it makes you feel better.”</p>
<p>It doesn’t. Jiyong feels that he doesn’t deserve to be forgiven, or the care he is being given. He rather feels that he deserves to be ruthlessly ignored by Minho and his friends, at least for a little while.</p>
<p>But he’s tired. He can’t argue right now. So he lets Minho play with his hair.</p>
  </div></div>
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